Not without my cat

Just a few meows, some might call it rantings and ravings..

Location: Jiddah, Saudi Arabia

An old Cologne cat that had to adapt to a new home.. lol

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

A good fake Muslima

As long as I can think back I was an agnostic, Russelian sense. My parents were atheists and my father made quite sure I wouldn't fall for any religious sermons at school. He gave me books such as 'Die Hexe' (The Witch) by Wolfgang Lohmeyer, dealing with bigot hysteria in Cologne 1627, and encouraged me to read history books. Religion classes were voluntarily at my school but he also encouraged me to take them. "They're idiots!" he said, "But it cannot harm you learn how they argue.."

However, the religion teacher wasn't willing to argue with me. I was thrown out of class within days and the teacher filed a socalled 'blue letter' - that was the muchfeared note for the parents that they have to appear in school to be informed about their offsprings' misbehaviour. Well, in this case, the only one who had reasons to fear was the teacher when my father showed up...

I gave it a chance, though, I've read the bible from the first page to the last, just to find out that it was definetely the most stupid, intolerant and narrowminded book I've ever read. It well explained the more embarrassing parts of European history..

In short, I really wasn't from the material you make pious people from.

And I didn't become a Muslima because I suddenly became religious or wanted to be pious. Actually, I only became a Muslima because my husband asked me to. His family insisted on it, and while he wasn't willing to demand it from me he made quite sure that he would love me to convert. He had been a rebel all his life and he was tired of it. He wanted to go home, settle down and live in peace with his family after all the fights he gave them during his younger years. The older he became the more did Islam mean to him.

We discussed the matter at great length and I told him that I would hardly ever become a good Muslima. I'm too much of a cynic to become very religious, and it goes against my nature to pretend to be something what I acually are not. He told me he wouldn't mind, for as long as I would respect Islam it would be fine with him.

And I hadn't problems respecting Islam. Unlike Christianity it doesn't come along with a shameful history and more skeletons in the cellar than the human mind can imagine. It might have had its fair share of idiots and culprits marching over dead bodies in order to conquer new grounds but compared to Christianity their numbers were small (even though nowadays there seem to be certain folks that desperately try to catch up..).
Throughout centuries, Islam presented itself as an enlightened and rather peaceful religion. Arts and science blossomed. Just compare Muslim Spain to medieval Europe, or think of the tolerance Islam used to have for other 'people of the book'. Both Christians and Jews could live in an Islamic surrounding without getting harmed. They were demanded not to spread their religion around, and they had to pay a special tax. Compared to the Christian habit of burning this was of course barbaric.

As my husband once pointed out, if America would have been conquered by Arabs the natives would nowadays run around in thobes and go to the mosque at friday. Unfortunatley for them they were conquered by good Christians which is why they are more or less extinct except for a few miserable remains in socalled 'reservations' (kind of rural open air ghettos, usually located in the wastelands no-one else can use).

And so I became a Muslima. It wasn't really difficult, it didn't even require me to lie. There are actually only two little things that you have to agree with:

There is no god but Allah... - fine. Considering that 'Allah' translates as 'god' it basically means 'there is no god but god'. Considering further that 'god' is the human conception of divinity there hardly is an argument against it.

... and Mohamed is his prophet! Equally fine. After all, Mohamed (peace be upon him) was the founder of the religion. No arguing here either.

"La ilaha illa Allah, Mohamed rasul Allah" - well done, girl! You're a Muslima now..

What really struck me as weird was that no-one from the family that so vehemently insisted on me becoming a Muslima seemed to care much afterwards. Sure they all were happy but that was it. No-one ever pressed me on my faith or asked any questions. They did not expect me to go to the mosque or keep prayer times. The only one who will discuss Qu'ran or the Sunna with me is my husband, and of course our family imam. But funny enough, they all agree what a good Muslima I am... ..

Which is somewhat odd when there really wasn't much change in my life. I never drink alcohol and haven't done so before, in spite of being born in the city that prides itself for making the best beer in the world, and in spite of having a father whose biggest joy is his wine cellar. But I don't like alcohol, neither it's taste nor its smell, and I truly despise drunken people.

The dress code was new to me but rarely something religious. As said in a previous post, wearing the abaya is more a tradition than anything else, and when it comes to the rest of my wardrobe I never have been fashionable, anyway.

The only thing that really came hard to me after the conversion was not eating pork anymore. After all, I'm German - nothing beats a good pork roast with potato dumplings and baked apples. No problem in Saudi Arabia when there is not much of a chance to come across Kasseler Cutlets on a Saudi market but in Germany I sometimes have to sigh. Alas, whenever I spot a wonderful looking packet of minced pork in a shop and have the image of delicious Mettbroetchen coming up before my inner eye my good husband will stand there and smile, softly reminding me that even my non-Muslim German doctor tells me that I must not eat pork because it is not good for my rheumatic arthritis. Argh.. I hate to be reminded of that! I'd vastly prefer he would to stick to the religious reasons.. But okay, no pork then. It's actually just a small sacrifice if it keeps a loved one happy.

That I rarely watch TV isn't a sign of religiosity either - I had thrown the TV out of my home two years before I even met my husband. It went on my nerves and the stupidity of the programs was beyond comprehension. I have my hifi system instead, and my books. In how far it is very pious to listen to music and read Bertrand Russell escapes me but it seems the family thinks that. A reason might be that we have an 'old-fashioned' taste of music, a great fondness especially for medieval music from Al-Andalus. Even the family imam has asked for copies once in a while.

Prayer times - we keep them up. When in Germany my husband will often slop around the daytime prayers, mainly because he's out of the house and around non-Muslims, but not in Saudi. And no matter where we are, there is no way he would ever miss Fajr, no matter how long the night has been - and that's not only because we have a four-pawed Fajr alert, two of them, to be exactly..

(How do you get a four-pawed Fajr alert? Quite easy - first you get yourself one or two extremely pampered, rotten spoilt cats. Then you plan in two or three days when you get up for Fajr thinking "Well, if I have to get up for Fajr I might as well feed the cats.." Cats never give up an advantage they once had in their paws! Be assured that there is no chance you will ever oversleep Fajr again, because for the next years to come it will be "Well, if I have to get up to feed the cats I might as well..." You get it.)

Fajr means the beginning of the day and to my husband it is the most important prayer of all. I usually just sit and watch. In the beginning of our marriage I used to leave him alone because I thought he would prefer privacy but he told me he just wants me around, even if I don't pray myself. For me it's more of a short meditation, a reflection perhaps, and I feel very close to my husband then. I actually love to watch him pray, and it's a bit like I have to protect his peace. It's a very warm feeling.

Apart from that, Fajr is most likely the most beautiful time of the day - especially in Saudi when it's relatively cool outside and after the prayer you go out in the garden and watch the day awake. Isha comes next in importance, it ends the day and all hassles and efforts have to stay behind. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry that I lack the deep faith that is required to pray, but I don't want to fake it. For my husband Islam is holy, not only a religion but a philosophy of life and I would feel like offending it when just mimicking it.

My husband does not think I would but he does not try to talk me into anything. He thinks I'll find my own prayers sooner or later. We talk about religion quite often and I'm just happy when he says he has become a better Muslim since we were married. This means more to me than anything else, because I know what his religion means to him. He fought long enough to find peace in his heart.

I think that deep inside I am still just an agnostic, no matter how much the family rejoices over me being a 'good Muslima'. At times I feel like I should protest it but then, what should I tell them? And what would be the difference?

Somewhen last year's Ramadan I sneaked off to my mothers in law to have a shisha - needless to say my dear husband neither eats or smokes during the day and even though I usually join him, the desire for a smoke can get the better of me. My mothers in law sat there, TV running, shisha smoking, big bowl of pralines between them. They encouraged me to get some, giggling that they would not tell my husband. After all, we Muslimas have to stick together, don't we?


Blogger Abu Sinan said...

I think you'll find the reason none of his family cared after the Shahada is that is an appearance things for many Muslims. In Islam, the woman is NOT required to convert to Islam. I would rather have the woman stay the way she is that take part in some sham that no one takes seriously.

To me, being Muslim is more about the actual things you do, rather than some formula of words that you have to put together. "Niya" in Islam is everything. If you do not intend to at least try to do the things that a Muslim is supposed to do I dont think that you are really a Muslim.

I get a kick out of it here in the USA where you have Muslims who drink, have sex with every other person they meet, eat pork, and then talk about how they are Muslim. Muslim? Really? In what way? Is Muslim simply a title or is it supposed to say something about you, your beliefs, and how you behave?

It is these "culture" Muslims who give just as bad a name to Islam as do those who go off on the extreme end. Besides, it is my experience that those that go off on the extremist ennd usually end up being the Muslim who doesnt practice their religion at all.

If there is one thing I detest about the "Islamic" and Arabic communities is the overidding demand for conformaty, even if you have to be a liar and a hypocrite to do so.

Kudos to you for being able to speak the truth when there is so much pressure to lie to conform and look good. I would much rather see the truth, although it relfects something I do not agree with, than see someone lie to try and conform to what they think that I, or society, wants from them.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Rani said...

Ah, my female consequence - now I feel the urgent need to turn around and defend my family.. ;)

A sham.. this is so hard a word. They're an old-fashioned family, they could not figure their son marrying anything else but a Muslima. After that was settled it wasn't much of an event anymore. And I was almost as reliefed as I was confused. Since no-one pressed me on religious things I wasn't required to say anything.

You talk about things we do - those are the things they see. And they watch. I guess they credit me for a lot of things that actually are my husband's. He does the praying, I just stay with him. He spends a lot for welfare, I think that's great but I wouldn't have the means to spend something myself, I don't work anymore. As for 'niya' it was his idea that I should accompany him to Makkah. Sure the family went into a frenzy about it - no cares that he was in Makkah for that wasn't any exiting news. That I was there - Umrah during Ramadan - that was worth a party.

And it surely wasn't my husband's intention to 'show off', he wanted to show me something. And whilst I still didn't become much more religious I think I understand some things better now. The need for conformity is one of those things. Guess it is a bit in the nature of Islam that so many people can melt into one spiritually, even when the one or other as an individual might not be the brightest example of a model Muslim. (and I'm not talking about conformity that is enforced by an overly harsh society here, just that of a merely human level)

I find it very hard to tell if someone is a 'good' Muslim or not. To me, my husband is a good Muslim because he loves his religion. But there are sure people who would not think so. He loves music, he plays an instrument, he reads a lot of books that the Muttawa wouldn't be fond of and he shaves every morning. I cannot see anything bad in this, all that is worth for me is the goodness of heart. But then this is probably my agnostic soul thinking.

However, our family imam has a nice saying - trees don't grow overnight..

Thanks, Abu Sinan, you really got me thinking on this..

6:04 PM  
Blogger Abu Sinan said...

Well, there are lots of ideas of what a "good Muslim" is. I read lots of stuff, I also LOVE music. At one point I had almost 2,000 CDs, including the complete works of Beethoven, Wagner and Mozart. I shave as well.

To me a good Muslim is someone who tries their very best to keep to the pillars of Islam. It sounds as if that is your husband.

I have a hard time with conformity just for the sake of conforming to other people's wishes. Before I converted to Islam I was a punk rocker. I drank, drugs, sex, you name it. I ran with fottball hooligans. As you are German I am sure you know who St Pauli FC area? I ran with their crew when I was in Europe. I dont care for conformity, especially when it is at someon else's behest.

At the same time, I know where you are coming from. I have tattoos, more than a few of them actually, and to make my wife's family happy I do not wear short sleeves when I am around them. There are sometimes things you must do to keep the family happy.

As to your conversion to Islam, an Arab friend told me like this "who cares how they came to Islam, that is is, they are here. Maybe they converted for not the right reasons, but Insha'Allah, God will lead them into true belief."

That is how I see it. Nice blog, I like coming here.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Abu Sinan said...

PS, I was born in Wiesbaden, family is originally from that area and Hamburg. I loved your comments about pork. It sucks going to the local German deli and seeing 20 different kinds of sausage and being limited to the beef bratwurst.

I also use my German so little now I mix it with Arabic all of the time. "Abga vier brotchen" doesnt work.

7:28 PM  
Anonymous Prudent said...

Rani... I believe it is just as the imam said “trees don't grow overnight”. Religious feelings don’t necessarily have to come flooding all at one time. Sure it happens to some people, but that’s not the case with everyone.

I'm ‘Muslim-born’, but I can identify with a lot of what you have said. My parents were not into religion at all and they did not teach me about Islam during my childhood (we traveled a lot due to my dad’s job so there weren't any relatives around to help out). My first religious conversation as an eight yr old was with a Yugoslavian class-mate who said, “There is no God! Look around you... can you see Him in front of you?” All I saw in front of me was a red garage door.

It took me long years to accept the existence of God. Then it took me longer years to accept being a Muslim. As Abu Sinan said, sadly many Arab Muslims are interested with the “appearance” of things rather than what is deeper. As a teenager in Saudi/Yemen, I just couldn’t deal with that shallowness and hypocrisy. Yet I played along to be able to live amongst them and was as much a hypocrite.

For a long while I felt I was living a lie (being a Muslim), but somehow along the way I started to believe! I ‘started’ to really see the beauty of Islam and praying while in Europe... away from the pressure of fellow Muslims. It has been a slow and gradual process I must say, but I think religion as with anything else in this life needs patience and hard work (especially for those of us who haven’t learned to be religious by “habit”). I haven’t reached consistency with my prayers yet, but I’m very hopeful! InshaAllah

So I say Rani, whatever you’ve achieved so far is great. It is also extremely nice of you to be considerate of your in-laws’ feelings. Islam is about how you treat others (aldeen mo3amlah)... although sadly many Muslims don’t really grasp this concept. I truly believe that is the essence of religion.

--- Sorry about the long comment :-)

1:20 AM  
Anonymous Prudent said...

PS. Oh and by the way! The first time I went to Makkah I GIGGLED while praying fi al7aram!!! Can anyone do worse?! I was so upset and ashamed at myself later, but I really felt nothing spiritual then whatsoever. I went for Umrah a few years later, but al7amdulellah things were much better that time! :-)

1:25 AM  
Blogger Rani said...

Lol Prudent, never mind - my foremost feelings were that of hurting feet and an aching back, and the steadily growing fear that my circulation (not the strongest I'm afraid) would not make it. I was nothing but glad when it was over, I wouldn't have lasted another round.

The spirituality was actually nothing that I felt inside, it rather was in the air, breathing from the ground, like a cloud lingering all over the place, as if past and present had become one. It's hard to tell. If it wouldn't sound so blasphemous I would say it's a magic place.

Guess I cannot really part all the 'new' in my life when I had a complete change in nearly everything five years ago. Being a married woman, getting used to a new country, having a big family, big major changes all coming at once. At times I just sit there and think 'Err.. wait, is that me?..'

Maybe writing will help to put it all in some order.
And never mind long comments, I cannot keep myself short, either.

Abu Sinan, I guess I would have run away from you before your conversion.. ;)
I just hate soccer! I never understood how 22 grown up men can jump after a ball, and have a million more screaming their lungs out at it. But apart from that, the only soccer club that I would be supposed to know would be the 1. FC Koeln..

1:01 PM  
Blogger Abu Sinan said...

I have a "friendship scarf" that is FC Koeln and FC St Pauli, the colours and emblems of each team on one said.

Me? I have always been into horses a lot. Used to travel to the Koeln and Aachen area for the horse shows there.

2:48 PM  
Blogger hibbalicious said...

rani- my mum converted to islam like 29 years ago, my grandad is jewish although not orthadox and my grandma is christian, they where never religious however religion does come into it when you decide to marry a muslim lol.

Anyways I just wanted to say that what I have learnt growing up is that you cannot force yourself to beleive anything and pretend, my mum is complete opposite of me, she preys five times a day nags about it and all the books she reads are about islam, whereas me, I try to pray sometimes, I keep most of my fasts yet I dont have the same enthusiasm.

My mum told me once that when you choose a religion and lifestyle for yourself you endevour to practice it to the best of your abilities, however if you choose it just to make others happy you dont really beleive it so you wouldnt really practice as you would had you chosen it for yourself.

Maybe Im wrong but its just my opinion . . .

1:19 PM  
Blogger Rani said...

That's pretty much like I see it myself. I'm just glad that I can arrange with the Islamic lifestyle pretty well. And then, Islam makes my husband happy and means a lot to him - and since he just happens to be what I love most it is probably just logical that I just love Islam for this.
And what little I know about Allah I think he's too big to be any much disturbed by tiny me.


7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As my husband once pointed out, if America would have been conquered by Arabs the natives would nowadays run around in thobes and go to the mosque at friday. Unfortunatley for them they were conquered by good Christians which is why they are more or less extinct except for a few miserable remains in socalled 'reservations' (kind of rural open air ghettos, usually located in the wastelands no-one else can use).

It's a little more complicated than that. First, throughout central and south America, large amounts of Native Americans converted to Catholism, but kept on living in much the same places, doing much the same thing.

Second, what killed off most of the Native Americans was disease, particularly smallpox.

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Anonymous Yousef said...

Very Interesting blog! You and your husband seem to be a happy couple. I wish you both a great life!


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Anonymous royal said...

I just wanted to clear out that
allah does not mean god
"ilah" means god and "allah" as u know for sure is only 1 name of the 100 names of god, 99 which is known.
allah does not mean god but its the name of god
of course he is the same god of christians and jews...

i also would like to make it clear convert to islam all u have to do is believe what u already have said...
u believe that there is only one god which is "allah"
and that mohammed is his prophet....

thats about it....others stuff u get to be asked about by judgement day..but basically u r a muslim and no matter what else u do
if i am not mistaken...based on the the end you will be sent to long as u r a muslim

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9:15 PM  
Blogger Rani said...

Sure, Anasalwa, go ahead, and thanks for hopping by. ;)

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This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Rani! I just stumbled across your blog and really enjoyed all your posts. I'm an American woman living temporarily in Qatar -- I've been here a year and a half and will probably be here a year and a half more. I think it's so important to have blogs like this out there that challenge our stereotypes about Islam, Arab culture, the meaning of the abaya, and so on.

Would it be OK with you if I linked to your blog from the navigation bar of mine? (


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This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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Blogger An. said...

Guten tag! I just found your blog, I'll definitely be coming back to "browse". I haven't found any pictures of her furry majesty. I assume you have them, or she would have left to find a better servant lol. We don't own cats, they let us serve them lol.

About your saying the Shahada for his family: in Islam everything is about Niyah, which means intention. Saying something for his family, without the real belief or intention, does not make you Muslim. I am not saying you are not one, but that is what Muslims believe (I used to be one). And you have to believe in a lot more than just what the Shahada says. If you felt you wanted to do it for him, then that's what makes you and him happy. And his family obviously doesn't care if you don't practice. I am glad he does not try to make you pray or wear hijab in Germany. I wore hijab of my own accord when I was Muslim in the US. If someone believes in it and wears it because they believe in it, that's one thing, but I don't believe in a man forcing his wife to wear it.

I know how everyone says that every man is going to treat a woman like the movie, Not Without my Daughter, or want to take the children. I know not all men are like that, the very few who are like that are the ones who are in the media.

I lived in Jordan for about 1 1/2 years. It was very interesting. I never wore Niqab though. I'd love to go to Germany, some of my ancestors came to the US from there (near Trier).

Hugs, and a big tuna-flavored kiss to your kitty. I miss having a cat, we can't have one where we live, sigh. We had one when we lived in New Jersey. We named her Selimah la Emma, it means Selimah the bad/naughty. And she was a lot lol.


5:45 PM  
Blogger An. said...

Sorry it's Eema (Long E), not Emma.

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